Drowning
by AntiCelestial
Summary: Severus in his 6th year gives up on everything. Rated T for sensitive issues. LE/SS AU
1. Chapter 1

All rights and characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Labelled Teen due to sensitive nature of topic. Enjoy!

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Severus stared out from the Astronomy Tower anticipating the coming of the night. He could see the faint outline of the moon in her chariot of pearl ready to make her routine appearance. He took a deep breath, smiling silently to himself, as the scent of early spring tantalized his nostrils. He always loved this time of year because he got to sit outside and enjoy the moments with Lily. He remembered that they would work on potions together by the old oak tree, share a laugh together, or playfully tease each other. But things in life are usually never that easy or that predicable. Like the passing of the seasons, things change.

Severus remembered today as being another day of silence. He sighed and felt the cool gentle breeze of April touch his face. Almost a year of silence had passed since he last spoke with Lily. He still saw her going to and from classes, but she was never alone. Either she was walking with her girl friends, or attracting the attention of Potter and the rest of his group. On rare occasions he would look at her, in Potion's class or in the Great Hall, and if by luck, the green met the black. But he saw that the green eyes were cold, cavalier, and gone before he even realized that she had glanced at him; the eyes that looked at a stranger on the street with indifference rather than a childhood friend. There was no longer room in her schedule or life for him, nor did she seem to want anything to do with him.

He watched the stars glitter in the sky, and slowly smiled to himself. It was the smile of someone appreciating the last remnants of beauty before it melted away. The same expression a teacher would give a student graduating his/her class, an athlete gets reminiscing about the glory days, a parent gets seeing their child leaving home, the smile of having to let go and say goodbye in order to move on. It is the smile that often doesn't form because it quivers and trembles, fearing the loss to be greater than the reward.

_A shattered smile_

He looked down at the open page in the book he was holding. The Dark Magic book was turned to the page on the Imperious Curse with small scribbles indicating his adjustments to the spell; a way to possess the user and make the caster do things that they would not normally do. It was his ambition towards the Dark Arts that caused him to separate from his path with Lily, and it was the same ambition that helped to create this spell that would end it. Though the irony did not escape him, Severus was too tired to think about these things. He took a final look at the nightscape, the moon, the stars, and lastly, the silence, and made his way down from the Astronomy Tower towards the Great Lake. He made a promise that today he would not live to see tomorrow.

The moon's rays reflected off the smooth lake, calm and tranquil. Severus thought it was a shame that he had to disrupt the serenity of the landscape, but the wheels were already in motion. He took a deep breathe, pointed his wand at himself, and used the new spell

_Imperimento-Mori_

Severus felt he was dreaming. He tried to blink but the vision remained hazy. He felt cold, but his body would not shiver; it had worked. The curse had forced him into the Great Lake, his final resting place. The dark water surrounded his body poetically acting as a cartharsis to destroy him by cleansing him of his actions. His entire body and lungs gave a desperate unheard cry for air, but the spell could not be broken. As his vision began to darken to that of the water, Severus remembered,

_In the beginning, she had laughed with him as they had played together on the swings. They would rock back and forth to see who could go higher as the last bright rays of summer descended. He would always let her win just to see her jubilant face full of pride and optimism. The wind would blow through her crimson hair, and the light would reflect off her eyes when she said she had won. Then she would start to walk home, stop midway before turning back to him to say something,_

"_Tomorrow?"_

_And he would always be there._

Severus wondered for a moment why he wasn't dead yet. It seemed like an eternity since he felt solid ground. He wondered if he should have chosen another form of death, but this was his punishment, his redemption. He no longer heard the screaming of his lungs, and all feeling had left his body.

"Soon", he whispered to himself as he felt his mind and thoughts beginning to cease. Though he couldn't have known it, Severus felt his lips twitch into another broken smile and he managed to recall one final memory.

_She was sitting by the old oak tree like she always had. Beside her sat a black haired boy with glasses. The girl would try to study but the boy was constantly trying to distract her. At times laughter would fill the air, and at times the mute sound of affectionate whispering. This was an ongoing trend, and all of Hogwarts seemed to agree that they were ideal for each other. In the end, He watched from a lone distance as the girl he grew up with drifted away into the arms of another. Though on rare nights, he would still dream of her_

"_Sev" she whispered to him, hand outstretch beckoning him to her, and he felt he could almost touch her, but then she would start to walk away, climb up the steps to her house, and silently shut the door, without another word. _

_And he would always be there. _


	2. Chapter 2

Suddenly, he felt his body was lighter and that something was pulling him upwards. He thought he heard whispers and cries in the background, but Severus didn't know if that was just his imagination. Strangely enough, he thought he heard Lily's voice cry out his name as his consciousness faded in and out, still indecisive about his fate. But he stopped thinking and let his body rest.

The light was so bright.

"_Am I dead?"_ Severus thought to himself. No, it couldn't be unless the afterlife had somehow managed to replicate Hogwart's hospital wing. He was definitely very much alive.

He looked around the room and saw that it was empty as he breathed in the familiar smell of the wing. He'd been here many times though the years and was already accustomed to all the potion, healing, and other medical aids. His thoughts then drifted to what happened and his failed attempt at suicide.

"Now what's going to happen? It's not everyday a Hogwarts student commits suicide, and rarer still are those incompetent ones who fail at it."

The shame of it was enough to make Severus want to try again, but instead he started to cry. Not only could he not escape his own misery, he could not even keep a promise to himself. How did it ever come to this? His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of voices in the hallway.

"Please headmaster, he's not ready to see anyone" Madame Pomfrey insisted

"I'm sorry Poppy, but this is urgent. I must keep to Severus." Dumbledore replied

Severus sighed, hoping that he could delay having to talk to Dumbledore.

"I will only with Severus for a couple of minutes, and then I will let him rest."

"Very well headmaster, but I will be timing you. No more than ten minutes"

With that, Severus heard the sound of footsteps getting closer. He thought about pretending to be asleep, but he doubted if Dumbledore would have fallen for such a trick. He had to face the truth at some point.

The curtains surrounding his bed were pulled away, and there stood the most powerful wizard of all time eyeing him with an expression of sympathy and remorse. Dumbledore's voice barely rose to that above a whisper and he only spoke one word, but to Severus it was a question much too painful to answer.

"Why?"

_"Why not?"_ Severus thought to himself. Why not end his misery and do the world good by getting rid of a potential Death Eater. The question should be why Dumbledore was looking at him with such guilt when his death would have probably helped the fight against Voldemort. Would Dumbledore have cared if someone like Lucius or Bellatrix took their own lives?

"Why did you try to kill yourself Severus?" Dumbledore gently pressed the question.

What could he say? What possible reason could he give that made sense besides proclaiming that he didn't want to feel the aching pain in his chest when he heard Lily laugh at one of Potter's stupid jokes. That he didn't want to see Potter's greasy hands stroking Lily's delicate skin; didn't want to watch Lily's delicate lips contaminated by Potter's lustful greedy ones.

"_To die, to sleep, no more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to" _That was the best way of putting it.

"I didn't want to live" Severus said not really answering the question, but trying to draw attention away from it.

Dumbledore's expression became more pensive. He summoned a chair and sat down beside Severus and spoke

"There are a lot of worthwhile things in this world Severus. There are endless jewels for the treasure hunter, lost antiques for the collector, beautiful sights and sounds for the artist, and all types of socks for those who get too many books. There is something in this world for everyone."

Dumbledore paused for a moment. Severus couldn't tell if he was trying to find the right thing to say or that he was just caught up in the moment.

"When someone wants to kill themselves, it is not because they have not found what they were looking for, but most likely that they could not have it; either it was lost long ago, or that it was never to be at all. Those are the reasons why people decide that this world is meaningless and want to end it with their own hands. They cannot live with the pain knowing their was joy. Some desperately try and fight to get back that joy while others blame themselves for not holding on more tightly. It is our decisions that make us who we are and it is that same principle how the Sorting Hat chooses."

Dumbledore stopped once again and this time looked down at Severus

"It is not easy to kill oneself. The body has a natural ability to protect itself from all harm, including harm debt to itself. If the mind even has the slightest doubt or reason to live, it will do everything in its powerful to prevent the death. It takes absolute conviction for suicide to succeed, because in the end, suicide not only requires unquivering belief that it is the right choice, but it also takes absolute courage; The courage to act and the faith that the act is correct."

Dumbledore slowly got up from his chair and started to walk out. He turned back to Severus and softly said,

"You have great courage Severus. If you have the courage to end your own life, then use that to fight for your dreams and desires. I know you have a strong heart Severus and that you will do the right thing."

For the first time, Severus thought he saw a twinkle in those old eyes,

"I sometimes think we sort too soon.."

And with that, Severus was left to think about what Dumbledore had said as silence once again surrounded him.


End file.
